Monday, January 25, 2010


I recently got my yearly performance review. While it was generally positive, there was a small attached list of behaviors which are now forbidden to your truly. I thought I would share a few.

* * * *

Per dispatch center request, please do not respond to dispatch directions with "delightful," "by your command," or "pip, pip, righto, guv!" Additionally, please refrain from speaking on the radio in any foreign language.

* * * *

Per fire agency request, please do not provide an exterior building size-up on medical calls, request "the first-in engine company bring up my gurney on arrival," add your ambulance to box alarms, or assume Command on a chest pain.

* * * *

Per chart review committee request, please do not use the phrases "poor life choices," "pharmacologically assisted gravity attack," or "terminal deceleration syndrome" in your documentation. Additionally, we wish to remind you that "Funny Lookin' Beats" is not an acceptable description of ECG ectopy.

* * * *

Per fleet maintenance request, please refrain from turning in a vehicle failure report with reason listed as "PONTOONS DO NOT INFLATE FULLY WHEN ENTERING WATER." Additionally, please refrain from submitting requests for nitrous systems, afterburners, in-seat DVD players, or "bitchen' rims."

* * * *

Finally, per management request, please refrain from operating a lemonade stand, massage parlour, off-track betting establishment, or payday check loan business out of your station.


Anonymous said...


NY pharmacy intern said...

You have me laughing so hard.

Overeducated Twit said...

Clever. Now I'll be looking for an occasion to use "pip, pip, righto, guv." :)

Duncan Idaho said...

From my most recent review, I was reminded not to say that bacon is a food group. That ear thermometer can't shine a light out the other ear and dogs don't say "moo" because they're bilingual.

I'm a nurse in a pediatrician's office.

BTW, lemonade stand rocks!

The MacMedic said...

Unfortunately I have to do the reviews now and can't use any of these....out loud at least.

The MacMedic

Guzzo said...

"pharmacologically assisted gravity attack,"

heh, heh.. consider this one stolen.

Nurse Wannabe said...

Love It!!! Laughed so hard! Keep your sense of humour it may get you in trouble but it's damn great!

burned-out medic said...

that was absolutely hilarious!

John the Baptist said...

Late to the ball game, but these reminded me so much of this: